BETWEEN TACT AND HONESTY

IF marriage were a contract, most laywers probably would advise potential newlyweds not to sign it.




After all, matrimony is considered one  of life's greatest commitments, but it contains absolutely no provisions or guarantees about what husbands and wives are entitled to.  Six children?  A big paycheque?  A golf partner?  Great sex?  One newly-wed might be perfectly happy with someone who can afford to buy half a house in the suburbs, while another demands unbridled passion.




All these ambiguities about the embattled American institution of marriage erupted in the unsettling case of Ronald Askew vs Bonnette Askew.




When their marriage of more than a decade ended in divorce, banker Ronald Askew sued his ex-wife for fraud because she admittedly concealed the fact that she had never felt sexually attracted to him.




An Orange County jury agreed, and ordered Bonnette Askew to pay her ex-husband US242,000 in damages.




Such sexual tugs-of-war between couples are not uncommon, therapists and psychologists say,  but the Askews' most intimate troubles were not confined to a private bedroom, they were divulged in a public court room, where they were analysed by a jury rather than a marriage counsellor.




Psychologists and anthropologists say the fraud case reflects the incongruities of love, American-style.  Clashes inevitably arise, especially in a culture that puts so much emphasis on romantic, love, because everyone's idea of an idlyllic marriage carries.




Experts say brides and bridegrooms often utter "I do" while deceiving their mate, or themselves - sometimes unwittingly - about what they expect after the honeymoon.  But, they ask, is this fraudulent behaviour or just human behaviour?.




"I'm astonished by this verdict and I've looked at divorce in 62 societies," said Helen Fisher, an American Museum of Natural History anthropologist who authored the recent book, Anatomy of Love:  The Natural History of Monogamy, Adultery and Divorce.




"Since when do people demand passionate love?"  she asked.  "It's not a commodity that you can buy, or will, out of someone else.  You either have it or you don't.....In America,  we are demanding everything from our marriage.  This court confirms that is the American way,".




Bonnette Askew, 45, acknowledged in court that she had never been sexually attracted to her husband.  But she said she always loved and noted that their marriage was not sexless and that they had two children together.




She first admitted her lack of sexual desire for during a joint therapy session in 1991.   "I guess he confused sex with love,"   Bonnette Askew said, adding that she concealed her lack of desire because she "didn't want to hurt his male ego,"




But Ronald Askew, 50, said his lawsuit had more to do with honesty and integrity than sex.  He felt deceived, especially because he said he repeatedly asked her before their marriage to be honest with him and disclose any important secrets.




If Ronald Askew believes total honesty is the foundation of good marriages, Fisher has a massage for him:  "Grow up,"




"Since when is anyone truly honest with anyone?"  Fisher said, "Did this man really want her to say:  "You're short, fat and you're terrible in bed?"  Much of the world is amazed at what they see as brutal honesty in America.   She was operating on an entirely different set of social values, which much of the world operates on - delicacy as opposed to brutal honesty."




Although the jury saw it as betrayal, "it is more likely she married him for other reasons, that she saw there were much more valuable things in the marriage," Fisher said "She undoubtedly married him because she loved him enough, and felt he was the right man for her."




Failing to admit a lack of sexual desire does not necessary mean a person is being intentionally deceptive, said Lonnie Barbach, a psychologist and sex therapist in Mill Valley, near San Francisco.





"People enter into marriages under false pretense,"  Barbach said.  "They may not be absolutely clear at the time why they do it.   She may not feel that she was deceiving him.  We fool ourselves in so many ways to get something we need."




However, New York psychologist and author John Ross said men and women should be able to expect mutual sexual attraction, and entering into marriage without telling your partner otherwise is deceptive.





"Often people get married for neurotic reasons and not out of passionate love.  I don't know if it's a crime or not.  That's up to the lawyers.  But dishonest to be deceptive about your feelings," Ross said.




Even the experts disagree about how important sex is to sustaining a marriage.




"The best relationships are ones that are founded on a good romantic, healthy physical relationship,"  Ross said.  "That's a part of a loving relationship between two people."






Not necessarily, others say.




"There are lots of marriages that work well even though there is no sex," psychologist and sex therapist Lonnie Barbach said.




"Relationship are not perfect," she said.   "You have to pick the areas that are most satisfying to you.  To some people, having no sex is inconceivable.  But somebody else is using totally different criteria."




In fact, when a women and men in their early 20s were asked in a survey to list the acts they find most romantic, seven out of ten answers  were the same for both sexes. But one difference was especially intriguing.  The men included making love in their top 10, while the women  did not, according to the survey conducted by the interpersonal communications researchers at Bowling Green University.




The Askews' flight, however, does not necessarily confirm the old stereotype that men equate sex with love, while women do not, some psychologists warn.




"It is an unfair stereotype,"  Bach said.  "Men and women may just have different ways of getting to the same thing.  Women may think it's more important to be loving and nurturing, and that will lead  to sex.  To men, sex may be their route to the loving and caring.  But that doesn't mean women don't think sex is important."



Andrew Christensen, a University of California, Los Angeles psychology professor who specialises in marriage and courtship issues, said: "It is absolutely the case, and it has been published in scientific journals, that a surprisingly high rate of happily  married couples have various sexual problems.....I wouldn't want to call people dysfunctional just because sex is not important to them, or just because it is very important to them."




"The trick is finding someone who has the same expectations that you do." Barbach said - LAT WP




So Ladies, what is your verdict?