By Mary Jo Kochakian
They're called weird by other kids, and they don't know why. They keep trying to belong, but over and over, they're rejected.
These children are indeed different - but in what way is often unclear, even to the adults trying to figure it out.
For many children, it's not what they say in words, it's the way they communicate non-verbally that shuts them out.
They may speak too loudly, or seem always to be giving other children orders. they may have a sad or angry look when they're not feeling that way at all. They may touch others inappropriately, or intrude on others' space. They may not be able to clearly understand others' non-verbal language.
Children are taught verbal communication in a very formal way, at school and at home.
"But non-verbal language is learned indirectly and infomally, and there's lot of holes because of that" says Stephen Nowicki Jr who with Marshall P Duke has written 'Helping The Child Who Doesn't Fit In' (Peachtree Press. US$14.950) both are clinical psychologists at Emory University. They term the problem dyssemia.
While the effects can be devastating, the child concludes he or she is strange or bad, and parents blame themselves. But the problem can be solved, often without undue difficulty, they say.
"It's the same as teaching a child any other skill" Duke says.
"Take Stanford, for example, a 13-year-old other kids avoided. He didn't know when to speak; he couldn't play games right.
The problem came down to the fact that he didn't look at other people. Because of the lack of eye contact, people didn't know if he was taking in what they were saying.
Because he didn't use the eye movements associated with the end of a statement, they couldn't tell if he was finished. He made them uncomfortable.
He had one of the most serious problems.
"We know that good eye contact and smiling are extremely important to social success in kids" Duke says.
Children who don't look at others miss a lot; they don't see others' responses, don't pick up on cues. Along with that goes the ability to read others' facial expression - people respond differently to someone who looks sad than looks angry, but some kids can't tell the difference and convey one's own.
Also crucial is the tone of voice "whether or not the child's voice tone communicates things accurately, and whether the child can pick up in other people subtle nuances in voice tone" Duke says.
Those two areas - facial expressions and "paralanguage" which encompasses tone of voice, pitch and
volume are critical "because they're the basic ways we learn about what other people's feelings are" Nowicki says.
You don't need a doctorate to help your child with this, they say.
"There are lots of things around everybody's house that can help in identifying a non-verbal language problem, as well as practising" Duke says.
"The TV (with the sound off) for example. Magazines'
In remediation, too, parents can be tutors, or coaches (but should never be criticiers or taskmasters). With a child reluctant to make eye contact, for example, a parent can simply help by increasing awareness, explaining that it's good to look at people because you miss a lot otherwise.
The child can be encouraged to practise by looking in the mirror, and to observe popular children to see how they do it.
A child having trouble with differentiating tone of voice can read a passage from a book in different ways, as if angry, as if sad or happy.
"There's something to focus on, not a helpless feeling with the anxiety that comes with that" Duke says
-LAT_WP
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