IT MIGHT seems un-Asian, but try hugging and kissing the members of your family more - you might discover that it adds meaning to your relationship and makes it a happier one, too.
At a seminar entitled Forming a Happy Family Institution Organised by the Public Enterprises Ministry's Puspanita last month, DR Hassan Hj Mohamed Ali gently mocked the archetypal Malaysian parent with illustrations of how traditional ideas on parenting imbibed from his or her parents forbade the showing of affection through physical contact.
But kissing and hugging were important in communicating a wife's love to her husband, a husband's love to his wife, parents' love to their children, and children's love for their parents, he said.
Dr Hassan, the executive director of the Sabha-Famdev Group, said love was what was missing from too many relationship in some families.
Even if it was not, he said, showing one's love through speech and through physical contat was integrat to strengthening family ties.
The audience of mainly women was amused and touched by his graphic description, but there was also unease as to whether such open forms of affection were against Islam and Malay culture.
Dr Hassan pointed to the Quran in reply to one such question from the floor and said the last thing Prophet Muhammad did before he left his house was to kiss his wife, and the first thing he did when he returned was also to kiss his wife.
"It's perfectly Islamic," he said.
Dr Hassan agreed with the member of the audience that the wives kissing the hands of their spouses was also a sign of their love, but how many did that outside of Hari Raya?
"It is not the issue of kissing that I'm talking about here," he stressed. "It's the issue of doing it to show affection. I don't advocate kissing on the mouth, but the meaning behind the gesture of 'casual' kissing on the forehead or on the cheek.
"I'm not just talking about kissing, I'm also talking about touching and stroking your loved ones. Hold the child when you are speaking to the child."
With regard to this, he said: "Let us be more menifestative, let us be more demonstrative".
He added that shows of affection should be done openly too.
"A child will accept that as part of an everyday happening. It's no problem and it will project the right values," he said.
Dr Hassan explained that when he started hugging and kissing his wife in front of his mother, she was initially startled and called it an Americans trait he had picked up.
"But I ask, is the right to show our love for one another in this way only the right of Americans? Surely showing affection is the right of all of us?" he said.
"The issue becomes a problem when you don't show your love to one another."
This was the case especially for men, Dr Hassan said.
"In love, we have not been creative enough, especially the husband. I'm sorry to say, the biggest complaint I hear from wives is that their husbands do not talk to them."
"Kids tell me also that their father don't talk to them, especially the girls. So many girls thinks of leaving the house because the environment in the house is too stifling.
Dr Hassan speaks from experience, having been involved in four-day summer camps for children and teenagers since the Akademi keluarga Bahagia Malaysia, a subsidiary of the Sabha-Famdev group, was set up in 1988.
Together with the parenting courses that the institute runs, he has dealt with abut 6,ooo adults and children to date. Two months ago, he launched a series of audio tapes with tips on family development.
In the same vein, Dr Hassan said seminars on family development should be attended by men as well.
Looking around the hall, the handfull of men present was clustered uncomfortably at first. It was interesting that after the first of the three papers presented, only one valient gentleman remained in the audience.
Dr Hassan certainly had harsh words for men who enslaved their wives, and who assumed it was their prerogative to ahve their wives serve them, especially in villages.
"How can we talk about morality?" he asked.
Men did not bother to understand how women felt, he said. He extolled communication between husband and wives, and between parents and their children.
"Be conscious of your partner," he asked. "When you spek to your partner, look at them, look into their eyes. Give them the chance to say their piece, then speak. Answer your spouse in a gentler voice, and answer promptly".
"Say 'thank you' to your spouse for cooking a meal."
Dr Hassan said mealtimes were a good time to impart values to children, whether in table manners or getting them to wash up after themselves.
"Have at least one meal a day together as a family." he urged.
Dr Hassan also berated Malaysian sloth when it came to reading: Only if parents were well-read and informed would they be able to impart knowledge to their children, he said.
Parents should actively and constantly impart knowledge to their children. He also emphasised the role-emulation tendencies of children, so that if they saw their parents reading, the trait would be passed on to them.
The most important thing to do, though, was to show children that you loved them, he said, so give them that cuddle, kiss them goodnight and sit them on your lap while you watch TV. Oh, and do that with your spouse, too.
THE FOUR ELEMENTS OF LOVE
Dr HASSAN Haji Mohamed Ali outlined four elements of love that were vital to build a happy family framework:
Empathy :
Sympathy towards not just the needs, but also the feelings of your loved ones. This would be reflected in the tone of voice with which you answered someone who called you, the promptness of the reply and the amount of attention you gave to someone speaking to you.
Hope:
It is important to say, "I have hope in every member of my family," that "I really enjoy being your wife," and "I really enjoy bringing up the kids."
Respect:
Respect each other as individuals with your own identities and dignity, and treat each person as having separate needs, feelings, and emotions.
Sacrifice:
Family members should understand the importance of giving in, even in a matter that means a great deal to them.
- By S L Wong.
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